Enter the Erratic ramblings

I have recently been nursin Ziggy for the past 2 months for a bladder infection he is fighting. It's tuff because there aren't many symptoms and Bladder INF are rare among Ferrets, most end up dying from them within several months.
He seems to be doin ok, except he isn't eatin much and therefore not really gaining weight. We've gotten past the point were he's losin it, so he's gained about an oz in 2 weeks, so hopefully he starts to get a bit more of his weight back, I'm hoping for another 3-5 oz's at least.
At least when I took him into the vet She said he has no other problems that she can tell, and He's got a BEAUTIFUL coat! Finally got his teeth cleaned also!

Louie on the other hand is perfectly fine, he almost never gets sick. Though his hair on his butt is thinnning a lil, which could be simply summer shedding or signs he'll eventually get adrenal disease, as almost all ferrets get, he's been a lil more aggressive at times too with Ziggy, which could also be beginning adrenal signs, OR just annoyance cause Ziggy is CONSTANTLY cleaning him and licking at his privates.
I'm not too worried about him though.

tormented my heart
a ball
pathetic and weeping
a ball
you don't care
a ball
bruised beyond repair
a ball
slicing aimlessly
a ball
confusion and hurt
a ball
numbness floods me
a ball
you are there building
a ball
doing for yourself
a ball
I curl into
a ball
I reach out to you
a ball
filled with love and saddness
a ball
so you can feel it too
a ball
I shrivel into myself
without you
a ball
of poison

I recently returned from another Boise trip, a week long trip this time around, for my Cousin Jon's wedding and to visit with Family.

Spring was in the air, the sky was vast and poofy cloud ridden beautiful!
I miss that openness. And the Wind was blowing fiercly, Warm and Strong, I loved it!!

I felt extremely and unusually calm the entire trip, content, except during the time my Mom and my sister got into a fight with my brother and all I heard about was that for 4 days!!

Got to see an old friend haven't seen in ages and meet her too children.

Got to spend time with my Mom, Grandmother and Ed and see my nephews My Aunt and Uncle and Great Aunt and Uncle.

Got lots of pictures with both my camera and my moms new one.

Only wish Robin could have come with me to see all I love about it there. He saw pictures :)

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth staying in touch with certain people.
People you haven't seen or known in ages, but somehow found online.
You've wondered about them over the years, and sincerely would like to see them again, play catch up and see if they've changed much, if they are the same, or if they'd like to be friends again, hang out sometimes. Curiousity is the catalyst, but caring about the other person, Fond memories or at least really wanting to know about them moves you forward.
You stay in touch online.
But nothing else ever happens. You start to wonder if you are the only one who even cares to stay in touch and reunite. The others don't say much, have enough new friends, have children and homes and jobs, too busy to visit, or to even think to ask if you'd like to visit or perhaps don't care to but just don't admit it to you. You wonder if they even care, honestly, or if they were simply curious to see what you've done with yourself over the years, to find a person with a home, but no job, with Kids that are pets, with Intelligence but no interest in School, no career in mind, with no vehicle, no independence. Do they think then you are pathetic, lazy, or lucky. Do they wonder then if they could care less and find you uninteresting. Do they then stop looking you up, simply just another of the 100 or so "friends" on their list or in their journals.
Do you become Forgotten as you feel.
Suddenly a "friend" or 2 disappear from a list, where did they go?
You wonder why some of them even bothered to reconnect with you as well, when it's obvious they don't even bother to keep in touch or care and delete you.
You wonder, "why do I have these people in my contacts online, if they don't want to keep in touch, if I don't even really know them anymore, should I even care anymore myself?"
You wonder why some old friends even bothered to Look you up if you haven't even seen them after the amount of time you have kept in touch online.
You wonder why old flames want to be contacted by you other than curiousity, unless it's simply that.
You wonder why you bother to keep in touch with anyone you don't see or haven't seen or visited with other than family.
You curl up in your shell and tell no one nothing.
You stay hidden because it's easy.
You hide your feelings, and dreams and wishes, not putting on a mask, but only not showing those parts to anyone and only letting them see certain things that are still you. But do they care?
I don't think so.
I believe the one's that do make an effort to show it, to call, to come by or invite you out or email and tell you about themselves, about their lives and truly connect and keep in touch. Like writing letters and touching hearts, showing that your interested, busy or not. Now it's the internet, the phone and letter of the future.
use it wisely, or don't bother.

It seems pretty impossible to stay friends with someone who's in love with you, or who's in love with the HAPPY BUBBLY Lovey side of you and not the side that happens to be showing at present, which is the sad and depressed trying to get through shit and eventually be happy again side of you. Because if a Friend can't love all of you, or at least you for who you are and you for what you may go through, then it's not worth it. The side they love isn't gone, just shrouded by the misery that lingers by at present, that's sedated some days and raining on you others. The moment you show that you are not happy, this person who loves that happy side hates you and doesn't want to be around you, or be supportive or pull their heads outa their ass enough to notice you just need some time and some care to get through it, the same as you'd do for them. As soon as they notice that you are sad as they are, they can't handle it, it's too much, so Off with your head, they don't want to be around you anymore, untill you turn back into the person they fell in love with. What they really need is to wake the fuck up, Grow the fuck up and get OVER IT and realize that either your in Love, or your my friend, because appearently it doesn't work both ways when I'm not in Love with you. If you can't be a friend, then be nothing and Go away and Whine and Bitch and Moan and then Move ON.
But if the Friendship is more important to keep, then be there, care, as I would do for you and don't ignore me or hate simply because I'm not being what YOU want me to be, because I'm being Human and going through what Humans go through, just as you do.
Friends can Fight, but friends can get over that too, if the friendship is real and true. I always thought it was a good friendship worth fighting for and If only they'd get over the IN LOVE shit, or at least realize that friendship is all there is here, then maybe they'd see that too.

is it just me, or is a lot of crazy shit been happening lately?
a friend of mines sister in law passed away from a wierd virus the dr's couldn't figure out, people are dyin from the overseas cantaloupe, others are gettin sick left and right, accidents and what not are happning to folks I know, be them car or otherwise, the Weather has been all over the place and is it winter or spring?
nuts
what's next?

I always thought it would be fun to go as Xev from Lexx and let my dorkiness run rampant.

I'll probably never get to go, considering I'm in a relationship where, if he's not interested, I don't get to.

That cuts out about 50% of the things I'd like to do, but probably will never get to, and so long as I have no vehicle of my own, that also cuts about 30% of the things I could enjoy on my own of what doesn't interest him.

Why and How did I get stuck being so dependant? :(

Well, amidst my constant mental and emotional fluctuations, not to mention Internet and computer fluctuations, I am trying to get back on my feet. I'm only like $300 away from getting a new Mac Book , new printer with accessories and some motivation thereof to get my writing back into shape, mostly for the poetry end of getting my stuff organized and sent to some magazines for possible publication, at least once comp is here and figured out that's my goal.
Rob and I also plan to eventually get an IPod as well, amongst other things.
Hard to save money when you always need things that the money ends up being used for.
Anyway, hopefully I have no more problems, hackers, viruses or otherwise with this computer before I get the new one.

Otherwise I am not doing a whole lot, and sometimes I have a hard time knowing I can only do so much with lack of vehicle, confidence and having not had a job besides working for JamesB for the past 4 years. My Anxieties, ADD, and slight Social Phobias make working in the real world seem impossible, or at least breaking back in seem impossible. From just a few brief interviews shortly after moving in here almost a year ago, I can see why I wasn't hired, and am scarred to even try, I simply don't fit into the mode people want, Outgoing and confident. The sad thing is, my lack of social graces is only apparent during the interview process, I'm not scarred and shy when I'm actually working, and I do an awesome job. I wish people could know that about me instead of first impressions, which unfortunately say jack squat about me. So I stay Home.

Invisible, I
an Apparition
needlessly wandering in Limbo
finding nothing amidst the fog covered air
Pangs of Pain Hit me from all sides and then
I'm left alone once again
Hallucinations of bleeding organs
appear and then disappear
The Bleeding Heart pounding and spilling over
as the welders come in to patch up the holes
that keep ripping.
And then nothing, silence, ever anticipated
Confusion, where am I, the Fog thickens
Rain drenches me from nowhere and the sprinkling insues
a mist forms, fog and mist, unable to see anything
and so around in circles that lead me to emptyness
ever empty, ever filling, ever draining
Left with revenants of memory
like bits of paper scattered about
trying to catch them and peice them together
to remember and see the things that were
the things that were good with him and Tears come
What happened to that?
The things that were good with you linger always by
and the Numbness comes
Haunted, I
I Haunt nothing, but myself.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Musician
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Social Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Drama Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Ok, I'm doing research for a new Laptop Computer.
If you Have a Laptop I'd like to know what you have and
what you think about it, do you like it, does it work well
for you and what you use it for etc..If there's something you don't
have, but prefer, please list that too.
If you don't have a Laptop, but do have a newer(as in 2006 or newer)
Computer, Please do this for me, I want as much info as I can get! Thanks! :)
*If you'd Like you can pass this on to some friends and then back to me.

1. What Brand do you have? (Dell, Sony, HP, Mac, etc.)

1-A. Is this a Good brand for you? Explain:

1-B. What do you use it for? (Home/Office/Enterainment,Etc.)

1-C. How good is the Warrenty/Tech Support, if Any?

1-D. How Long Have you Owned this Brand?

1-E. What Operating System does it have and Do you like it? Explain:

1-F. What is an Overall Summary on your experience with this Brand?

2. What Graphics Cards, Anti-Virus/Spyware/Firewall Protection, Ram/Memory/
Speed and Other Software and Hardware do you have installed and how do you like it?

3. What Internet provider do you go through and What Browser do you prefer and Why?

4. Highspeed or dial up Pros and Cons? (Preferance of Highspeed and Dial Services)

5. Monitors and Screens- Glossy, Matte, Non Reflective and Preference?

6. Laptop Question- Keyboards, do you like them or prefer a USB attached Seperate Keyboard?

6-A. Wear and Tear Quality?

7. What did you pay for your Computer and Where did you buy it?

7-A. Was it a good deal or payment plan?

8. Anything you can Add that may help?

My soul has longed for this music
since it was taken from me
my case, my saviors, priceless
but to me Worth everything
Burned for me by the hands
of a musical Maestro
Lost and gone for years
I've searched forever it seems
for these lyrical lullabies
and finally, amidst my seeming defeat
He came back to me.

Now I listen with open heart
I melt and close my eyes
my ears soothed once again
by the one that kept me sane before
and will keep me sane again this time
as I sit Bewildered
The Beast sings to me this song
and I open my eyes to search for another Pearl.

Angela M. Pugh

(*Thanks James for introducing me so long ago to this Album,
it's gotten me through many rough times.)

You are not here
and I am Empty
I am Not there
And you are Missing something
You and I
Apart
Torn
Sad and Longing
Wanting, Wishing, Waiting
This droll repeatative writing
tears, crying inside because I cannot cry out
except Bursts out of no where
every week
Missing you
Missing me
Every Fuckin Minute

Bored
Bored
Forever Sad and somewhat Listless
Music is therapy, but also adds to my feelings
missing you
can't talk to you
can't stop thinking of you
even now, knowing you won't read this, doesn't matter though
I can hope you do at some point
When Love, Love was a world spinning round
once upon a time
you raised me up when you were around
and I try to Find that here with him
but still this deafening Sadness and meloncholoy
echoes profusely in my ears
and I hear you and you still speak to me
in my mind, my memories and it's cruel
Simple the minds of Voices cooing in my ears
remembering Happiness with you
wanting that, having this
I try to make this enough and it is not
will keep trying, but this won't go away
I'm haunted by memories forever
Haunted by you, haunted by fantasy
Haunted
Haunted.

I have seen many things
I have Contemplated and Debated many things
within myself and outside of myself
Once Again Mind and Skin has Conflicted
Skin and Heart Want warmer climates
New Horizons, Love
Mind wants to stay where the Leaves turn Red and Golden
Where it's Comfortable and familiar, where Love has been
and where Love still is
Heart wants many things, wants Both
but Both I can never have together
Choices change back and forth
the weather is always unpredictable here
But knowing that and Expecting nothing
I can stay and Expect that.


I have broken another heart, but I hope that heart knows I love it too,
that at least he has said something and Now He knows I love him too
I hope that's enough.
Cause I can Fly nowhere, I'm perched where I am
and I must try to patch up my nest.
Whatever may lie in the future I have no Idea
All I can do is go where the wind takes me
or stay where the wind sits.

Folks, I will be Flying/Drivin South within the Month to live.
If anyone wants to visit with me, now will be the time to do it
after that, unless you folks visit california ever, I will continue to keep in touch online.

If you need my Number, just Hollar.

Angela

He Lit me up like a Christmas Tree,
Bright, Warm and Fuzzy Green.
And when He left all the lights went out
and cold Darkness closed in.

I have had to make a Big decision as of late, and am not happy with my Options.
It's a Win-Loose Situation, But for now I have made a choice.
I Find that that choice hasn't necessarily made me feel any better and I am Just as Lost and Missing as Before.
Can I love enough to save what I have, will it work, or will it crumble?
Or will the Love always be there helping it survive; Not wanting it to Have to survive.
Or will the other Love keep knockin at the door, ever persistent now that the flood gates were opened?
Will I eventually break down and Answer it......................................??

I am always lured by the seductiveness
of the Books lingering in my bookshelf;
and I wonder, is it just their looks,
or will I ever get to know them?

Heart is feeling

I like the darkness, it wraps around me, it is soothing.
I've sat for a while on the steps outside
In the wind, the warmed wind,
contemplating life, listening to sounds.
All the while my heart is aching, my soul is longing.
The Eyes have a way and they see many things.
Dams have broken and floods are raging
like the sea in my mind.
The leaves on the ground, wet, dry, shifting, swirling,
whipped about by the wind, the warmed wind,
surrounding my life, the thoughts that furrough inside.
All the while fitting pieces to something lost and broken.
The Ears have a way and they hear many things.
Lightning has cracked the Tree in two, killing
the spot it has struck.
A Pile I have made of the dead and drying leaves outside,
scattered by the wind, the warmed wind,
blowing through my heart as the years have past.
All the while trying to make sense of the things I have done.
The Mouth has a way and it says many things.
Curses and Lies have spilled like water from a pipe busted,
erupting, and with it Love overflows.
I love the darkness, it fondles me, it is soothing.


by Angela Pugh